BAHA'I: Shit happens to everyone equally.

KRISHNA: Shit happens, shit happens, happens, happens, shit, shit.

VEDANTA: Shit happening is an illusion.

MORMON: 10% of my shit belongs to God.

CELTIC FOLKLORE: At the end of every rainbow is a pot of shit.

EARLY EGYPTIAN: Shit happens, the world is a microcosm of the universe; therefore, the universe is shit.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit can happen to you too.

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYST: I acknowledge my shit, and it's ok.

ATHEISM: Shit happens, therefore, there is no God.

AGNOSTICISM: Shit may or may not happen.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: It's not shit, and it's not happening.

SOLOPSISM: If there is no shit, it doesn't happen.

EXISTENTIALISM: So shit happens.

DECONSTRUCTIONALISM: What makes you think that's shit?

OPTIMISM: That's the best damn shit that ever happened.

PESSIMISM: It's all shit.

SHAMANISM: Shit is a fertilizer.

POLLYANNA: Where there is shit, there is life.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

FUNDAMENTALISM: Born-again shit.

NEW AGE: If shit happens, honor and share it.

ORAL ROBERTS: Send me money or shit will happen.

RICHARD NIXON: I am not shit.

RONALD REAGAN: I don't recall shit happening.

HEISENBERG: Shit may happen and it may not.

CLARENCE THOMAS: Shit happened to me once, but I express regret.

DECARTES:1. Shit happens, therefore I am.
2. I am, therefore shit happens.
3. Cogito ergo defecato.

AA: Deal with shit one day at a time.

POLITICALLY CORRECTIONALISM: Defecated matter occurs.

N.O.R.M.L: Like gee, have ever looked really closely at a shit?

NAT'L RIFLE ASS'N: Shit doesn't happen, people do.

DIANETICS: Why does shit happen? See page 157 in Dianetics.

SHAKESPERE: To 'pu' or not to 'pu', that is the question.